mike Funny Status Messages

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day. If your life is really that bad, you should probably do something about it. No, whining on Facebook is not considered "something."

   Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

   Horse racing is just like NASCAR only slower.....and with poop.

   I wish I could say it"s nice to see Michael Bolton working again, but it's really not. Thanks Honda.

   Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.

   there are no shortcuts to any place worth going...

   Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.

   I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.

   Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

   Wonders if getting excited in your car is considered autoerotic?

   I'm not really sure who won the Powerball drawing-- but as my coworkers start to show up, I'm able to cross off my list of likely winners.

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   "Blonde men aren't dumb, they're evil. Like in the Karate Kid and World War II." - Bart Simpson

   I saw on the news that Flavor Flav is 56 years old today, and had two immediate thoughts: 1. How the F$%^ did Flav manage to take care of himself for 56 years? 2. F$%^, I'm old.

   The bad thing about aging is that sooner or later, "bust a move" turns into "bust a hip."

   I asked my significant other what time it was this evening and got the response of "5:54...5:53...5:52...". I guess next time I should remind her the microwave is on.

   Moving into the White house would be living in poverty for Trump...he'd be slumming it.

   is hoping for some Salem style mayhem before having to sit through another Harry Potter snorefest.....Gandalf still owes me 8 bucks for the last one.

   anyone who says it's as easy as taking candy from a baby, has never tried taking candy from a baby!