huck Funny Status Messages

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.

   I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

   "I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons

   When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

   Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die