Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   If before every major life decision, people would just say "What would Charlie Sheen do?"...The world would be so much more interesting....

   Wow it's hot outside....I was only out there for 10 minutes and I was wetter than Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards...

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Ben Roethlisberger collection. It came with a roofy, two advil for the day after and a do-it-yourself police report..

   After a very thorough, 25 year investigation, charges have officially been filed against "video" for her part in the killing of the radio star.....

   I guess it time to test my theory that Vodka (being alcohol) should kill the flu virus.......

   I used to be a people person......but people fckued that all up...

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I've never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...

   Firetrucks & ambulances would be far more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move B*tch" by Ludacris

   The best thing about drinking wine in a box is when you finish it, you can unfold the box and break dance on it....

   I wish I could get 3 dollars plus a gallon for MY gas....I mean, it seems to be pretty high octane...........

   We would like to thank the NY Giants for their participation in the 2013 NFL season. Please pick up your consolation prize at the door on your way out. Thank you

   I agree that some people might have been dropped on their head as a baby....but some people were clearly thrown against a wall

   I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her

   "KiSS HER"~~~Me watching women's boxing.....

   Let my friends talk me into smokin "chronic" for the first time last night but I prob. should've skipped my Ambien dose. Apparently, I started and completed my first book.."101 Ways to Prepare Succulent Penguin"...I didn't even know you could eat Penguin

   I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

   ice seems to be able to make even the most graceful of people turn into really bad break dancers.....

   I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working

   BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes---nothing left but de Brie

   I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......