SEAN Funny Status Messages

   A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into a bank yelling “It's my Money and I want it now!” Thanks a lot J.G Wentworth

   My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.

   Why no, stranger, I CAN'T believe how early it gets dark now despite the fact this phenomena has occurred every single year of my existence.

   Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.

   Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.