Nipper Funny Status Messages

   My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.

   'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please? ''Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

   I've just found my first grey pube............Don't think I'll order pizza from there again.

   Just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does needing therapy after seeing me make you feel?"

   You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.

   Back seat drivers are all the same..."Why we going into the woods?" "Let me out"

   Smoking weed can reduce stress levels by more than two thirds, according to my research.

   She has a permanent marker addiction. It's written all over her face.

   Never mess with someone who has access to your toothbrush.

   I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up

   Found a grey pubic hair today. I didn’t freak out too much but the others in the elevator looked terrified.

   I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.

   Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

   The worst part about buying new underwear is having to sew a sock on them every time.

   I have to sit in the passenger seat of a car driven by a 16 yr old with a learner's permit you don't scare me.

   Today's IDGAF award goes to the guy who named the fireplace.

   I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.

   Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

   Your tongue is a very powerful muscle. It's strong enough to get your feaking teeth knocked out...

   The worst thing about finishing on a girl's face is how angry they get when they wake up.