Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.