Eaglet1122 Funny Status Messages

   Find your little island of "OK" in a vast sea of "Holy crap!"

   She was gone as fast as rum cake at an AA meeting!

   50 Shades of Grey..Girls can't wait to read it and Guys can't wait for the movie!

   I plead a 5th of Jack Daniels!

   Better get a bigger spatula before you try flipping that on me!

   Stevie Wonder's Twitter update was hilarious. it said," ahdshewsd€yts".

   Stans' Rule #39: When showering at a guest house and your not 100% sure about the towel, DON'T dry your face. Doing so may lead to resentful feelings of said guest!

   My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.

   Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale!!

   My dentist is smoking hot! I always ask for the lead vest, even though I don't need an X-Ray!

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   I am steaming the widows with my iron and writing the words "Please Help Me" just to see what the nosy neighbors will do.

   I like my ice at room temperature.

   I may not be an organ donor, but I owe it to mankind to donate my humor to science!

   I can always tell when it is Senior Citizen Discount Day at the grocery near my house. All the blue parking spaces are double parked.

   Cello Green has T-Rex arms.

   I must assume that my cell phone is pro-choice based off the number of calls it has aborted!

   Closest thing I ever got to a hug growing up, was the scientist picking up the test tube!

   New condom slogan...."Wrap it in latex or give her your paychex."

   My feet must be gross. I can only get the wife to rub them if i'm wearing clean socks, but if one of the kids puke, she will catch it in her hands to avoid a mess.