Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm no architect,,, but I DON'T think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.

   Ladies,, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine,,,, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   All of MY posts come straight off of Taco Bell sauce packets.

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

   I don't use hashtags, but if anybody wants one I still have an extra one I got from IKEA... You'll just need to assemble it.. // =

   I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough

   The NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy fat-ass."

   FYI:There are only two ingredients in trail mix. . . M&M's,,, and disappointment

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods

   Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.

   Trouble's brewing at Symphony Hall.. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th,,, and the bassists are loaded.

   And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human...

   I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

   Together,, I can beat schizophrenia

   Sorry son, we can't go get ice cream because mommy went to Kohl's 20 times last month.