SEAN Funny Status Messages

   My son is dyslexic and terrified about getting paid a visit from Satan in a few days

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   My New Years Resolution is to have as much fun as I can regret

   Some relatives are like seeing Santa; you only care to see them once a year.

   Words to live by: If your outflow is greater than your income, then your up-keeps guna be your downfall

   Sometimes I wonder if my homeowners insurance will cover the destruction my 3 and 5 year old can do in a short period of time, I look at the mess and think to myself- Had an F5 hit my place- at least the debris would be in my neighbors yard

   For her birthday she told me to get her something she could use, She must not of liked the Summers Eve, I havent heard from her in days

   the one thing that annoys me about Disney films is that inanimate objects don't break out into song and dance nowhere near as much as they do in the films and when they do no one else is around to see. 

   Just found out my "Sleep Number" is good Old Number 7 good ole Jack Daniels

   Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.

   I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   It's not technically a hip hop show unless at some point, 9 seemingly random guys are invited on stage to waves their hands for no reason.

   Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(

   It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.

   Which Playmate is in charge of sorting Hugh Hefner's pills?......'cause you KNOW that's an all day job....

   The saddest bachelor parties are the ones where they didn't realize the girl goes in the cake AFTER it's baked.