Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Guess Lil Wayne actually heard some of his own songs. They do the same thing to me.

   Ladies; If he's seen your butthole, how you look in the morning with no makeup and hair all over the place is moot.

   If I had $100 for everytime I read something funny on your Facebook page, I would still be broke.

   Golf is like sex. If you're playing somewhere classy, wash your balls first.

   "Screw you and your iPhone 5" is what I'll be saying until I also get one.

   I don't trust Penguins. I know you can fly!

   I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I'm bored.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   What's big, red, and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.

   I'll call you ‘mate' because saying your name would be a little bit gay - British men

   You lost me at 'you should'.

   Ladies, instead of asking, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” you should ask, “Does this fat make my jeans look big?”

   Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.

   You never know what you have until you log off Facebook.

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   Hey girls who feel empty and inadequate unless they have a man; that's a lot of pressure on a creature that can't even piss inside a toilet bowl without missing.

   I have a confession to make, but I don't think any of you here are priests.

   Women worry more about hiding their farts than their feelings.

   I wished I loved anything as much as white folks love saying "gracias" in Mexican restaurants.

   I don't miss anyone from the past... not even me.