SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   I think it's pretty awesome to be overweight, because I can usually foil any trapdoor plans

   It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...

   Well.... If this snow fall is the weathermans idea of 7 inches- I bet his wife is a very disappointed woman................

   I never said she was a prostitute, all I said was she used her panties as ankle warmers!

   Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "

   If evolution is true, apes would still be evolving into humans.

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity

   I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it

   Forget having a gun or a knife. If you want to rob me, just threaten to throw glitter on my clothes.

   When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

   Easiest way out of Jury duty, after the States Attorney tells you he/she has no more questions, thank them for their time, fist pump them and say “ May the force be with you”

   Has decided to file a lawsuit against Trojan for royalties, my dad keeps telling me I'm the reason they invented condoms.

   We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.

   Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   Someone told me that the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary. Well I checked and it was there! Sometimes people's idiocy surprises me.

   Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

   I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.