SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.

   Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.

   No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all.

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   I toss and turn until 5 minutes before the alarm, then I drift peacefully off to sl--*beep*beep*beep*beep*!

   Lazy Rule #33: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   I always say, "If you can't say anything nice, we have a lot in common. "

   FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.

   Attention guy walking two feet behind me down the entire block even though we're the only people on this street: I will stab you in 10 feet.

   "I got 99 cookies cuz a b!tch ate one" ~ Cookie Monster

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

   Want people to pay more attention to you? Carry a giant axe.

   The NFL post game show is the male version of The View.

   "Fart" is such a crude word. I prefer "Song of the South."

   Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.

   What's the point of the Psychic Hotline if they won't tell me where my other shoe is?!?