SEAN Funny Status Messages

   the wife asked what the white stuff on my peni$, told her it was asprin for her headache and asked if she wanted it orally or suppository..

   Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.

   I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett

   Nothing worse than getting paid on Friday, after you spent your entire check on Thursday

   My neighbor is having such a hard time, he was divorced 2 months ago and then broke his wrist this week- I told him look at the bright side, now you can change your relationship from single to its complicated

   Please touch this. ~MC Hammer, 2012

   Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my wife the silent treatment and I didn't want her to bless me.

   my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..

   I keep writing "2015" on all my checks because I hope to have money by then.

   You know there's an easy way to deal with cyber-bullies: Turn off the computer and go crush his hands with a meat mallet.

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop

   When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

   Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-

   Might start telling people I'm a blacksmith. You can't prove I'm not.

   My girlfriend said she wanted to take me to see Magic Mike, I was really excited until I realized she was not talking about my drug dealer from college..

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'.

   Thanks Fox, but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school.

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   I've heard that Apple had to get rid of their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name