Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Play Closing Time at my funeral because it's likely I died trying to change the radio station when it came on.

   It suddenly dawns on me, I'm gonna have to punch my way out of this nursing home.

   Some people sing to plants to help them grow. That's one reason I scream at the top of my lungs the entire time I mow.

   I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.

   As my car slowly filled with water, the last thing I would hear was the calm measured voice of my GPS, "Recalculating route."

   Normal people are weird.

   The supreme court is just like regular court but with sour cream.

   How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   I'm hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.

   I think the real question by now is: What is a Klondike Bar going to do for me?

   It's always awkward when you run into your ex with a car.

   Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.

   If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.

   I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.

   Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth

   The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.