SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..

   Some women should just come with talk plans like my cell phone, because after to much conversation my MIND starts roaming!

   I did really well when I worked at the carnival. I guessed people's temperature within 5 degrees

   Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.

   I will be the first rapper to rap about the troubles of programming a spare Garage Door Opener remote.

   At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed

   It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke

   Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   “It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

   My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   When I was growing up mom would wake up early to cut my crust off my sandwhich before I went to school, crust was my favorite part- she really hated me....

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   Black History Month should be called "Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman's Voiceover Work"

   When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."

   Some of you people would be better off on a site called TwoFacedBook instead.

   does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend

   Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.

   I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....

   Really tired of homeless people tweeting photos of the garbage they're about to eat.