LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   I love to eat Bran Flakes in the morning. I guess i'm just a regular girl.

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

   How do you spell "clitoris"? I don't know but I had it on the tip of my tongue a moment ago.

   My grandmother has false teeth. I can't believe a word she says.

   If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.

   Bills travel at twice the speed through the post than cheques.

   Don't think of it as thousands of dollars of your hard-earned money. Think of it as a toilet seat for the Pentagon.

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   Valentines day. Where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

   ..is wearing an Arnold Schwartzenegger costume for Halloween..and with a mouthful of candy,she will sound just like him!

   I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   This little piggy went to market.This little piggy stayed at home.This little piggy had roast beef.This little piggy had none.And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

   Found the Muffin Man on Facebook. If he accepts my Friend Request then I can tell my mates "Yes I DO know the Muffin man!". They'll be impressed.

   Studies show it's okay for me to simply say "studies show" in front of anything and it becomes accepted as fact.

   My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

   If Microsoft made actual windows,our houses would be full of thieves and prostitutes.

   Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).