SEAN Funny Status Messages

   No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic.

   Sorry but if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a falcon then it shouldn't be called a dog.

   Good men of this country fought and died to defend my right not to care about British royalty

   The most impressive thing about Beyonce and Jay-Z as parents, is how dedicated they are to giving Blue Ivy® a normal life.

   Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.

   "A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.

   Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"

   Adele swept at the Grammys. Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, who swept after the Grammys because that's his job at the Staples Center.

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   The battery to my car remote died and I had to manually open my door like some parachute pants wearing break dancer from the dang 80's.

   Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

   China just reported an earthquake... but it turns out it was just everyone cheering at once when Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs.

   My wife's like a Magic 8-ball. If you keep shaking her, She will eventually give you the answer you want.

   Drunks arguing over music will probably be one of the rooms in hell.

   Willie Nelson is 80! If weed is a gateway drug, it better hurry.

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.

   This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.