Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only intelligent tactical response to life’s horrors, is to laugh defiantly at it.

   Re-reading my own post every time someone likes it. “Ah yes, quality content.”

   Dear plexiglass, thank you for protecting me from the cashier who just touched everything I’m taking home.

   When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.

   Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.

   Hate it when artists get on Twitter to tell us that we’re singing the lyrics wrong. If 80 thousand of us are saying the same thing, maybe YOU’RE wrong.

   Mike Hunt is sweaty

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   Started investing in stocks: Chicken, Beef, Vegetable… One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   Sharks can outswim you, but you can outrun sharks. So, it all comes down to who’s the fastest cyclist.

   That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.

   Hangry ~ A state of anger caused by lack of food.

   Tried to spoon a tall girl once and felt like a backpack.

   It’s ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up not knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive.

   Trojan is a terrible name for condoms. They’re basically named after something that penetrated the stronghold, then broke open and thousands of little guys poured out and messed up everyone’s day.

   My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.

   Was told that I am the cheapest man in the world, well I'm not buying it

   Just bought a tv stand and now I’m being targeted with tv stand ads. I only need one tv stand, I’m not a tv stand hoarder.