Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "Old Macdonald had a farm,,, Had."............ * Bank of America

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I'm putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"

   I use a remote control for my car stereo because,,,,, Well,, You know,,,,, Who would EVER want to lean forward a little bit?...

   I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too