SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.

   Just for fun, I like to take my 5yo to the Walmart pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars..

   One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   Amputees may take risks, but they never go out on a limb.

   Country music was much better back when they sang about murdering people all the time

   Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.

   Our lazy neighbor cant even rake his yard without clutching his chest and falling down...

   I find it difficult to believe Newt Gingrich could be an effective president. He couldn't even manage to catch those dag old Duke boys.

   I once asked my Dad if it was ok to love a midget, he said son- It just depends if you're nuts over her.

   I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...

   A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.

   Can someone tell me why there is braille on the drive thru ATM machine....Am I missing something here

   Im not saying you are a $lut but you were fired from the $perm bank for drinking on the job.......

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

   Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   There should be a store for women in their 40's who try to dress like their children called Forever Inappropriate.

   I called Poison control, but they said they couldn't make Every Rose Has Its Thorn stop playing on the radio. Worthless.