SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.

   I have found that the best earmuffs are the inside of a women's thighs.

   If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap, and bad for you.

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   Renée Zellweger always looks like she's trying to find the image in a magic eye picture.

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   There are times that I think that her lazy eye is just playing hard to get.

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.

   Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.

   The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

   Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.

   Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.

   You have no idea how funny I am to me.

   Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   This kid at my nephew's birthday party sh!t his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option.