Snotty Funny Status Messages

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.

   Well,,,, If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," Then yes, I've been to the opera.

   anybody gonna mention the fact that the Mayans couldn't even predict the Spanish coming?

   Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don't want to attract any attention.

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.