SEAN Funny Status Messages

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

   Just came from the doctor. Got high score on the blood pressure machine. Doctor wouldn't high five me. Jerk.

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   Just lost my job at the funeral, I guess I'm just not a mourning person

   Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.

   Shouldn't they just put Harriet Tubman's face on EBT cards???

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   When I'm old & my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals, stand over the caskets, & whisper "I won."

   Found a Capri cigarette in my son's room and now I don't know what to be most upset about.

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.

   Dear Hillbilly from AR on the news last night, I am sure that all the dead birds in your town were not from Aliens invading earth, I'm positive that if invaders have the technology to come to Earth and wanted to scare you, throwing birds at you would no

   I'm not sure if people stopped saying "yolo" or everyone that said "yolo" has died.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   Things not to say life lesson 586: Asking your wifes attorney " If your here then who's running hell?" Is not so much a good idea

   Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.

   If you think about it, did Gary Busey really survive that traumatic brain injury?

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   Got into an argument with the ex-wife the other day over her boyfriend helping my son with his 1st grade reading assignment when he was visiting them. I told her I thought my sons reading assignment was beyond her boyfriends comprehension……………â

   I used to dream of that fairytale kind of love. Now I'll settle for someone who'll gain weight faster than me.