LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   Thanks to the BP oil spill in the Gulf, fish oil capsule supplements will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   ..thought it was a good thing adding her parents to Facebook until I posted " is going out for the night!" & mum commented "Good! That means me and your father can have loud sex now!". I'll remember to lock my bedroom door before I go out..

   Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she didnt wake the sleeping pills.

   BBC News: "Ice Cream Company Launches Breast Milk Flavoured Ice Cream". I wonder if they will be doing raspberry nipple.

   I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.

   I bet curling atheletes have dirty houses. When they get home,they must think "Screw this. I do enough sweeping at work!"

   I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

   I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.

   I brush after every meal.And the Dentist says my hair looks lovely.

   If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

   Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.

   It's not the minutes that we spend sitting at the table that puts on weight. It's the seconds.

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   ..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.