Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.

   One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…

   Happy people don't take long showers.

   Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!

   'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs

   I love you weirdos. I don't care if you're not accepted by the outside world or your own families.

   It's embarrassing when the people at work complain about me farting in my sleep.

   I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!

   How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you.

   Sorry I woke your baby when I opened my velcro wallet.

   It's okay I'll text myself back.

   I'm sorry I accurately called you a slut

   Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.

   I sometimes like to close my eyes and imagine a world with no poverty and also that my hand is a woman.

   Men that wear Crocs have seen every episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'

   I'm not shy. I was just trying to not offend you. But if you insist...

   I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans

   The problem with natural selection is that it isn't killing stupid people off quickly enough.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"