Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...

   Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

   It's always cute when people say "looks don't matter".

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   So...if all Cinderalla's clothes turned back to rags at midnight, how did that one slipper stay glass? Maybe she should have ripped off all her clothes instead.

   Now I know where the YouTube commenters hang out when they're waiting for the new Nickelback video debut.

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......

   When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

   Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   My ego persuades me to be a lot more confident than I should be.

   Five bucks says I'm totally broke.

   "No food or beverage." I'm guessing the only rule ignored more than that one is the speed limit.

   you move on because theres nothing else you can do

   Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind

   I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!