Funny Status Messages

   What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

   I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.

   There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

   Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

   Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

   I quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.

   Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of wine stained blank pages.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   "Can I at least get work release?" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   Rudy Giuliani is a potential Attorney General. The non-fat yogurt industry is in great peril.,

   it ok to put up a festivus pole before the 1st of December ?

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   Are you still making frozen jokes? Let it go