SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   When you text someone "are you still sleeping" you might as well text "wake up a$$hole."

   Dear Google, I successfully received the 5 notifications, 18 emails, and 6 popups about your changed privacy policy. Please send more.

   I overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Facebook than to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me.

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.

   Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.

   Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.

   It's very hard to read someone's body language when they are running away from you.

   My brain returns to its default settings every ten minutes.

   Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.

   I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

   It's not that we're anti-social, it's just that our phones got more interesting than human interaction.

   In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words.

   "Shia LeBeouf" sounds like the name of the venereal disease that will eventually rid the world of Kardashians.

   Curious George books are a great way to teach kids that single men who wear large yellow hats and own pet monkeys are in no way threatening.

   If you think you have me figured out, that's hilarious because I don't even have myself figured out.

   Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

   Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there.

   If you put your finger in someone's butt you're legally married to that person in at least 46 states.

   Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.