Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's spooky how many kids look like their owners

   Remember how your teachers would drink in the staff lounge, only it was just one teacher, and she drank all day, and you were homeschooled?

   If this burglar can avoid tripping & bashing his skull open while my cats circle his feet,,, I'll help him load my belongings into his car.

   HEY,,,I've already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy...... No one likes drawn out funerals.... You're welcome.

   Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.

   Ha Ha!! For the past two weeks I've just been giving a bowl of alphabet soup a stir,, and posting whatever floats to the top.

   Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.

   Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP,,, until you have something someone else needs

   Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.

   Like most Northerners, as the weather warms,,, I worry about the structural integrity of my igloo.

   Attention Walmart Shoppers ------- There is someone dressed appropriately in aisle 8

   I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class

   Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 7lbs.

   I once dated a woman named Deb who hated to be called Deborah. Then I dated a woman named Tammi who really hated to be called Deborah

   Attention: Person who used this porta potty before me, See your doctor soon.. Real soon.. Yesterday soon.... PLEASE

   My Facebook device received a phone call today........ Weird

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...

   There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......