Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

   I know it was months ago, but I still don’t like how you all acted over toilet paper.

   Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break.

   Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.

   16 Psyche is one of the most massive asteroids in the asteroid belt. It’s made of materials like gold, platinum and nickel. It’s value is estimated to be around 700 quintillion USD.

   I'd rather be rich than stupid.

   It’s called “gross pay” because it’s disgusting to see how much money you would have made before taxes.

   I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

   That’s supposed to be a high five emoji, not praying hands. People out here dying and you’re high fiving.

   The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏

   They say you are 22 times more likely to be killed by a cow than by a shark. This is true, my ex chased me with a knife once.

   Her: The fences need painting and the car needs washing. Him: Kids! Who wants to learn karate.

   Love ~ Giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to.

   Soon, the public will be unable to think or reason for themselves. They’ll only be able to parrot the information that was given to them on the previous night’s news.

   Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Things I have in common with a raccoon: Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, a little chubby, up all night / sleeps all day, will fight you, possibly rabid.

   How many of you are 12 years old and playing with your mother’s phone while she’s asleep?

   Teacher: “And, that concludes our lesson on the Bill of Rights, any questions?” Student: So, like, none of that counts if I’m scared, right?

   If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall; I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!