doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.

   I feel like I should apologize to my shower drain.

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.

   it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep

   People!! I have been watching the news the last few days. Now, I never took journalism class, but I'm petty sure "Don't Interview Traumatized Children" came right before "Learn To Spell".

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   You've gotta admit, cuddling with a giant panda would ALMOST be worth getting your face ripped off.

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   V@gina jokes are not funny at all. Period.

   I've had six red bulls so of course I'm counting all the leaves on the trees as I drive past them.

   Miley Cyrus eats Twerky for Thanksgiving..... (I am so sorry)

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.