Nipper Funny Status Messages

   For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? Please say tomorrow

   The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   saw myself naked in the mirror and now my hand isn't in the mood

   Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don't know how many pills to take.

   The one thing about this group of presidential candidates that we can all agree on is that none of them are fuckable.

   You know the relationship is over when you have to buy your stuff back from a garage sale...

   My life is loosely based on a true story.

   Been coughing all night & day, can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

   Hot singles in your area wish you would turn up the air conditioning.

   All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.

   Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

   I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.

   I hate it when I shake it too hard & a drop of pee hits me in the face. These guys probably think it's my first day as a bathroom attendant.

   If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.

   Either I need to up my dosage or my income.

   One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

   I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.