Maria Funny Status Messages

   Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f***ed

   Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

   I hate When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

   I must be wishing on someone else's star because every time I wish for something, someone else gets it!

   The brunette asked the blonde why there were bullet holes in the mirror. The blonde replied, "because I tried to commit suicide...it didn't work".

   Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   No... I'm not lazy... I'm just resting up for my 30's... (I got a lot planned)

   There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

   "Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."

   you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.