FLUFF!! Funny Status Messages

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!

   Birdman won the Oscar for Best Picture ... for some reason Kanye thought it should have gone to Beyonce

   I glued a beer bottle cap to my watch so that whenever I look at it, I know it's time to drink.

   The adventures of 'mom isn't home'... Today boys and girls, we learned what it feels like to stick your tongue into the vacuum cleaner hose...my 4 year old will never be the same...

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload the gun instead of shooting into a bullet proof vest.

   To the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake, thereby justifying the eating of cake for breakfast....I salute you unnamed hero of the unhealthy

   I am pleased to announce that I hired Helen Waite to handle the issuance of all apologies on my behalf. So from now on, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helen Waite for it..

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't understand women.

   I just listened to the song "She'll be coming around the Mountain" and you know what, if "She'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably more woman than most of us can handle

   Dont you hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate rhyming. PENlS.

   When people call me smart, I'm just thankful they're not around to see me turn the wrong burner on the stove every-single-time!!

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his baIIs

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them.