Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.

   If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing

   In hell, you have to find the start to scotch tape over and over

   People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.

   My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned

   My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich for Halloween and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   Does anyone really believe this thing with the Mayan calendar? If you do it's OK but if you don't, it's not the end of the world.

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It's just that I know what both parents look like they're gonna need it

   The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there

   I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.