Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   When a girl doesn't invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it's because she's a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you'll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.