BEGO Funny Status Messages

   I am pretty pissed that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush.

   Im the type of person who enjoys making people: cringe, blush, and shake their head when reading my status!

   Oh you got "Swag"? I bet that looks great on your application to McDonald's.

   Why, when our heart is stolen, do we insist on returning to the scene of the crime?

   That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone's status.

   My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”.

   What doesn't kill you, leaves you alive for something else that will.

   Imagine surviving Covid19 then China releases Covid19S Plus Pro

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…

   Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.

   Taking back your EX is like buying your shi$ back from your own garage sale..

   The only people who truly know your story, are the ones that helped you write it.

   Over time you start noticing that some people just aren't worth it anymore.

   Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night."

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have died so damn quickly!

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?

   Some people should come with subtitles.