Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder.

   So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"

   When a job interviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years?", it's a test to see if you own a time machine.

   Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

   Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   Remember - with Valentine's Day only five days away, it's not too late to break up.

   Wearing socks is as close as I'll ever get to mopping.

   I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, but it's certainly trending that way.

   My gift horse is facing the wrong way

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   Sometimes when I tag someone in a pic I whisper "you're it."

   Profiling: when police stop only the cars that are driving on the sidewalk.

   If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

   I like the way you think. It's almost as if you don't.

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.