life Funny Status Messages

   You might not like Koenigs posts but he’s the only one here using the page as intended now. It’s 99.9% triggered crap now. Get a life people.

   I saved my husband's life insurance company $500,000 dollars by switching to xanax.

   "I've made a lot mistakes in my life, but just know you were never one of them" -ME (looking at my triple bacon cheeseburger...extra bacon).

   Ten years ago I didn't forward that text to 10 people in 10 minutes. That's why my life sucks now.

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   I'm at the point in life where the hottest text I get is: "Your prescription is ready for pick up"

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   27% approval rating! The party is on life support lmao.

   Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

   Based on my life choices so far, my guardian angel lied on their resume.

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, Please do not go in that bathroom.

   If I block you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life.

   I didn't even realize how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

   Somethings in life I’ll never understand, like how there could be a group on Facebook called Facebookers Anonymous, thats like walking into an open bar where their holding an AA meeting.

   Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.

   I'm about to start telling folks different stories about my life. So when they get together to gossip, they just end up arguing.

   Who's the faigg with no life?

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   If this were real life, and the odd loser who we watch get triggered here due to our posts was sitting across from us at a bar? Crying? We would drag him outside, and beat the sh*t out of him. Then, we'd take his wife home and play "rotisserie".

   Too old for SnapChat. Too young for Life Alert.