Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   Interviewer: You ever do time? Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme. Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.

   No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.

   Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

   I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

   I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.

   The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.

   When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."