Funny Status Messages

   Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

   Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?

   Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries

   All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home

   OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

   Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

   It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges

   I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

   Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.

   "You're never too old to learn something stupid."

   What do I remember about the midget that attacked me. Very little.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…