SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   So "Linsanity" no longer refers to Lindsay Lohan but Jeremy Lin? What if they start dating, what then? The Adventures of LinLin?

   If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.

   If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.

   Jingle Bells always gives me a warm feeling inside. She works Tuesday nights at the Lusty Leopard.

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.

   My life could benefit from a little more Stranger Danger and a little less Acquaintance Maintenance.

   Facebook, I would be more interested in your recommendations about who I should unfriend.

   Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   A big part of my self-improvement plan is finding more opportunities to use the word "taters."

   I'm a very persuasive person. I can convince myself of anything.

   I've found "the more the merrier" to be a dangerously inaccurate cliché.

   Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground.

   If Taco Bell really did "Think outside the bun," they would add margaritas to their menus, and replace hot sauce packets with Pepto Bismol.

   Practicing random acts of kindness at the mall. Like holding doors open. Then tripping anyone who doesn't thank me.

   If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

   It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, C***face!" just in case.

   Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.

   I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.