LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late and see the New Years in. Middle age is when you're forced to.

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.

   Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   Why is it that Volvic Mineral Water, which has been filtered through volcanic rock for millions of years, has a Best Before date?

   Computer Geek's Pickup Line: Is your name Google? No. Why? Because you have everything I've been searching for!

   ..time is precious so be careful who you waste it on.

   My mate is having a birthday soon. He doesn't drink,smoke or cheat on his girlfriend. I dont know how the hell we're going to celebrate it!

   DNS FAILURE: Facebook is down which means 9 months from today, many children will be born.

   There's nothing like a visit from an out of town friend to point out how little I actually know about the city I live in.

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.