Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..

   You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.