Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Study shows women are less likely to keep their cars clean. Yeah, because they don't need a clean car to get laid.

   "Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you."

   Don't text me after 11 pm unless you're offering me sex or bringing me food.

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   If 90's R&B comes on in the bedroom, we making a baby. I don't care.

   You know that garbage can right next to Oscar the Grouch's garbage can? That's where he takes the ladies.

   So let me get this straight....a giant bunny rises from the dead, commits a bunch of sins, then we eat a pig?

   My pimp hand is like Verizon, all it takes is one smack and you better believe that b!tch "can hear me now."

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   Only trust people who like big butts... they cannot lie.

   My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently. ;)

   Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.

   It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. Then I remember, I have a girlfriend.

   I say "haha" or "lol" in almost every single text message I write.

   Even after a long day at work, I often take work related things home with me." ~ Me referring to the hot women from the accounting department.

   From now on, if we text longer than a week, we better fall in love. If not, you paying my phone bill for wasting my unlimited texts.

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   I bet if you go to a restaurant with the Man VS Food guy he'll call you a p*ssy no matter what you order.

   The most useful tool in the office is the stapler, because if a coworker doesn't shut up you can staple his shirt to their chair and simply throw it at them.

   If you are a dog catcher and don't have a "pug life" tattoo you are doing the whole life thing wrong.