SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   Truck commercials are getting ridiculous. Just waiting for one with an F850 pulling planet earth. Built Ford Tough.

   I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.

   Prediction: in 40 years medicare will cover tattoo removal.

   Seeing yet another deer crash into a car reminds me that one of us needs to tell all deer that it's time to stop texting.

   Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.

   If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

   What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.

   There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep."

   I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.

   I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

   They say dress for the job you want not the job you have, so today I'm dressed like the Pope.

   You'll never convince me that women don't shed their hair to mark their territory.

   A slew of people aren't using the word "slew" enough.

   I've had this bamboo plant on my desk for five weeks and I've yet to catch a single panda. :(

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.

   I bet if you're a stripper, you have panic dreams where you show up in a public place, fully clothed, and you just can't seem to get naked.

   I'M SURE GLAD NONE OF US HAVE ISSUES WE'RE TRYING TO MASK WITH SARCASM!!