Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.

   No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

   it possible to love the one you're with but not be able to stand the sound of their breathing? Asking for a friend

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   My daughter just said when she grows up she wants to marry someone just like me. Now I can't stop crying.

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   I thought there'd be more sex during my sexual prime.

   Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait nope, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?

   Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.