Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry...I cry. When you laugh... I laugh. When you jump out a window... I laugh some more.

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   If I liked a pic of you and your man, it doesn't mean I'm mature... It means holla at me if he acting up.

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   If you're doing it right, someone will say you're doing it wrong.

   Life is what you make it! I made it into a bottle of booze and chugged the whole bottle in one sitting and then threw the bottle at a tree.

   Clitoris is such a beautiful elegant word. I'm just a guy with a ballsack.

   I'm not an alcoholic! I just walk around with a mouthful of whiskey, so if someone says something stupid I can spit and light their face on fire.

   Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue.

   Don't worry about avoiding temptation. After I have slept with you once I will avoid you.

   Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a sh!t.

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   Nobody talks on the phone anymore. If I like you, I'd rather hear your voice. Texting has made sh*t less intimate.

   Women like having four animals in the house: a jaguar in the driveway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskull to pay for it.

   I delete the recent history from my profile for the same reasons I don't go to church. It gives people the wrong impression and it makes Jesus roll his eyes.

   I was jammin out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank." She frowned at me and said, "Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.

   These fuel prices are killing me, literally. While siphoning from my neighbors car I swallowed a pint of that sh!t. Gotta fix my technique.

   When I say 'Netflix & Chill' sometimes I mean that. Stop kissin' my neck and watch this serial killer documentary with me or get the tf out.

   Thoughts lead to words... Words lead to actions... Actions build your character... Your character determines your destiny.