Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.