Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.